Fears

Fear is an interesting thing. It can motivate you, and immobilize you. It can help you reach your limits, and prevent you from ever getting close. It can come and go faster than a blink of an eye, and it can seemingly hang overhead till the end of time.

When I think about what I fear most, there is one thing that stands out among the rest. It’s consistent. It’s predictable. It has been in my corner, providing me with strength and motivation. It has been in my head, making me hesitate and hide my true self.

My greatest fear, is the fear of failure.

Now like I said, this has been something i’ve noticed and dealt with for some time. I have feared failing classes, exams, and getting into college. I’ve feared failing my coaches, my teammates and myself in athletics. I’ve feared failing friendships, relationships, and responsibilities. I’ve feared failing at finding purpose and meaning in a life I have yet to live. And although I have experienced and overcome this fear of failure time and time again, I still have trouble recognizing when it is the thing to beat or the thing to call upon.

_TNQ0106.jpeg

Now the title of this journal entry is “Fears”. That’s plural. I, however, have said I only have one fear. That statement is not a lie, but it is not the most recent truth either, and in the past few months I have unfortunately come to bear another.

Since starting my journey of adult life, moving to a City i’ve never been, filled with people i’ve never met, and starting a job at a company i’ve never worked for, I have tried tried valiantly to be strong and independent. These are two qualities I had previously prided myself on exuding, however, I have come to realize that the context in which they apply is not infinite in scope. In fact it’s quite limited, and the area most exposed happens to be the reality myself and many others currently find themselves in: trying to start a new chapter of your life in the midst of a global pandemic. In particular it’s the fact that i’m alone in a new environment, with far limited means of making new and real connections with other people. Now I’ve always recognized how much people mean to me and how much of an impact social interaction can have, but i’ve never felt dependent on them. Having some time alone was something I found to be refreshing, and often very needed. What I have quickly learned is that time alone has a much different effect when it is the only type of time you have.

At first, I found living alone to be quite peaceful. I moved at my own pace, did the things I wanted to do, and still found ways to have new and exciting experiences. It was what I was hoping for, and more importantly, how I was expecting myself to handle it. As time moved on, each individual piece of my day from waking up in my new apartment, to trying a new restaurant, to going on a new weekend hike, to visiting a new brewery after, brought me lots of happiness (and they still do). But what I started to recognize was that with no one to share this happiness with, It slowly became harder and harder to be happy during the time in-between.

What do I mean by the time in-between? Well it’s the all of the little moments of transition throughout the day, the moments you take for yourself to recharge after being out with other people, the moments you have to slow down and to think. The only difference when living by yourself is that these are not transitions or breaks from people or available time to ponder, but are rather an extension of being alone. And It’s during these times, times I once thought to be reviving, where I now feel like the joy of everything gets slowly drained (whether I want it to or not).

In my hours of self reflection and analysis (and I have thought about this alot), I think I have identified the source of the plumbing as something I might even fear more than the fear of failure. Something that truly terrifies me, for its effect is only negative and one I have yet to be able to control.

My most terrifying fear, is the fear of being alone.
Raja Rajcicjournal, Thoughts